My name is Murrell, and I have a new goal in life...to appear on the Onion Sports Dome.  Who do you know that would be better at creating fake sports news stories that are also hilarious?  I've seen 2 episodes and I know that 1) I love the show and 2) I could add so much to it. 

Remember the letter I wrote to the Texas Rangers?  Here's that story in case you haven't heard it. 

After the Rangers traded Alex Rodriguez to the Yankees, they still had to pay him over $60 million remaining on his contract, even though he was playing for another team.  I wrote a letter to the Texas Rangers that basically said they were paying someone to NOT play baseball for them, and I wanted equal pay for equal work.  I wasn't going to NOT play baseball for the Texas Rangers for free anymore.  I even said that if it's worth $60 million to keep the best player in baseball off your team, how much more would be worth to keep a terrible player like me off your team.  I even game my career Little League stats to back me up.

Sadly, my reply was a generic form letter with a photo copy of the team catalog.  I wasn't even worth an original catalog.

The letter was smart and witty and funny and one of my greatest creative achievements.  It was both the best example of why I desperately need a girlfriend, and also the greatest example of why I don't have one.

I've realized that the best way for me to use these powers for good is to entertain the masses on a late night basic cable sports show with made up stories.

While I didn't care for their story about the teenager breaking the record for pleasuring himself, I did chuckle when they showed the top 5 performances in that area, and #3 was VP Joe Biden.  They had a "Girlfriends" segment where a game was broken down by the girlfriends of guys who were watching the game on TV.  One girl, discussing missed free throws by Derron Williams, said, "Why didn't he just move closer to basket?"  And when I was watching the story of Bill Belichek throwing acid in the face of Tom Brady, I nearly fell out of my chair from laughing so hard.

So there is my new goal in life...to be a regular on the Onion Sports Dome.  Feel free to start your Internet campaigns on my behalf.

Thank you for reading.  My name is Murrell.

PS
Sorry it's been so long since my last blog.